


Smoke and Mirrors

by orphan_account



Category: Dear Evan Hansen - Pasek & Paul/Levenson
Genre: Character Study, Gen, Intrusive Thoughts, Metaphors, Suicidal Thoughts, jared centric
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-01-06
Updated: 2018-01-06
Packaged: 2019-03-01 02:35:57
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,632
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/13285131
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/orphan_account/pseuds/orphan_account
Summary: The smoke would always follow Jared, and he'd try to get rid of it, no matter many times he failed.





	Smoke and Mirrors

  The thoughts in Jared’s head would build up, forming a dark cloud swirling above him. The room would grow heavy with smoke, and he would choke on the idea that everyone is just barely tolerating him, or that his family would be better off without him. And as these thoughts swarmed, threatening to smother him, he would try to escape. He'd take off into the night air, running from his problems. And maybe it would provide some relief for his rough throat at first, but soon the smoke would follow, and he would be left alone, stuck in the middle of a billowing cloud of fear and insecurities, fighting for one last gasp of air. And he’d sit on a bridge, or a bench, or just lean up against a building to try and have the wind whisk his thoughts away, but they would just blow back to him, no matter how hard he tried.

* * *

 

  Tonight was one of those nights. The topic that sparked the fire creating the smoke, in this case, was that school was starting in a week. Normally, despite the fact that he knew he would quickly grow to hate it, Jared welcomed the start of the school year. It gave him the chance to do something other than sit around after camp ended. This time, however, Jared was not welcoming it. It was the start of his senior year, and after that, well, he didn't quite know. College, probably, but Jared had never really planned for what he would do once high school was finished. If he was being honest, he hadn't really thought it would ever come, but now that it was approaching, he had no idea what to do. His grades were alright, he supposed, but were they good enough to get into a decent college? Probably not. What did he even want to major in? And did he really even want to go to school again after he had just survived twelve years of it? Even if he did get a degree, it was doubtful he would get a job above minimum wage when every one seemed to require at least 1-2 years of experience. So he'd probably end up working retail at Walmart (or maybe, if he was lucky, Kroger,) with a useless degree and for what? So he would end up with thousands of dollars of debt? But of course, if he  _ didn't  _ go to college, everyone would, ignoring the fact that the whole system seemed to be a scam, label him lazy, which shouldn't even bother him right? Because Jared Kleinman hasn't done a single worthwhile thing in his life, so why would it bother him if people recognized that? 

  The cloud was starting to form above Jared, inescapable and choking.

  The only thing Jared’s ever done in his life was make things harder for other people, and sure he was still a teenager, but he didn't see that ever changing. 

  The smoke began to fill his lungs.

  Things probably would have been better for several people if he hadn't existed.

  Jared almost did nothing, letting the smoke suffocate him. But he realized what was happening, and decided he wouldn't stay back in the smoke, waiting for the firefighter that would never come. So, he slipped out the window.

 “ _ You could just throw yourself out of it, _ ” his brain suggested. 

  Jared didn't do that, and instead took the safe way down. Technically he didn't have to take any way down. His parents weren't downstairs so he could've just went out the front door. Still, he went out the window, either because it was stealthier or maybe because there was the risk of falling, or even both. He probably wouldn't even break anything from this height, anyways. His feet hit the ground, and he took off walking, a destination already in mind.

  The lamps along the street were few and far between, and part of Jared regretted not bringing a flashlight, but he could see well enough without one anyways. As he passed through a bright patch of light, it caught on the edge of the cloud trailing behind him. Maybe if he looked hard enough he could see it, see where it avoided and where it was drawn to and where it all came from and where it all eventually disappeared to. 

  But he couldn't, and he didn't. 

  Jared continued on. He was nearing his destination now, a red metal bridge built for a now defunct railroad. 

  “ _ Just keep walking. Nobody would notice if you were gone.”  _

  Jared considered this voice as he gazed at the woods the railroad cut through. There was nothing stopping him, he supposed. He could just go live in the woods, and eat leaves, and live in a cave, and try to talk to animals because he would grow crazy from isolation. But, he supposed, he didn't bring anything with him except for his clothes, and he didn't know what plants were edible so he'd probably eat something poisonous and die as soon as he got out there. Maybe he could bring Evan along? He seemed like the kind of guy to know what plants were edible, and the whole “being one with nature” thing seemed right up his alley. It was a good way to solve the isolation problem, too. But, then again, Evan would probably panic after a day or two, or the police would find them, or both, and then they'd have to deal with being those idiot kids who tried to run away for the rest of the school year. So, not a good idea overall. Jared wasn't the outdoors type, anyways.

  This wasn't the first time Jared had had this idea, and it always ended the same way, with him realizing that it was dumb, and then shaking the thought from his head, letting it slip away before returning to what he was doing. So, he did exactly that.

  Jared walked over the bridge, ignoring the urge to go to the woods, and sat down, dangling his feet over the edge. He stared at the winding river down below, flanked on either side by a cliff. Distantly, he wondered if it was far enough down to hurt if he fell.

  “ _ You could find out. _ ”

  If it was far enough down to kill him. 

  Sometimes the smoke would turn aggressive, not content with just slowly choking Jared. It would coil around his neck, around his mind, and it would squeeze. 

  Jared gripped the side of the bridge, letting the cold metal bite into his palms. He didn't move.

  “ _ You should just throw yourself over the edge. Nobody would notice if you were gone.” _

  Jared’s knuckles were white. He knew that was a lie,  _ somebody _ would notice. His parents, or his sisters, or Evan, and then they would find his body floating on the river and- and would they even care? Jared breathed heavily, still staring at the murky waters below, rushing along. He wouldn't disturb its path, it wouldn't notice if somebody jumped into it. It would be easy, he was already hanging over it. Lungs filled with smoke, Jared forced himself to take a shaky breath of fresh air. And slowly, he pushed himself away from the edge. He came here to clear the air, not choke in it. He wasn't going to die tonight.

  “ _ Are you sure about th- _ ”

_   Shut up, _ he told himself. He wasn't going to die tonight.

  Sitting on the wooden tracks, he made himself take more breaths of the night air, clearing his lungs of smoke. Of course  _ someone _ would care if he was dead. He was pretty sure he was Evan’s only friend, so who else would the kid be left with? And his parents would probably feel guilty that they weren't good enough, and his sisters would probably also feel guilty, except it would be for the fact that they were away at college most of the time, and they would probably wonder if that was what drove Jared over the edge, the lack of family relationships. And that wouldn't be it, but they would still wonder. And really, him killing himself would just put a damper on the rest of the year, and it would probably just be a really shitty senior year for everyone. And what if someone saw Jared's death and was like, “well, that kid did it, so why can't I?” And then they would kill themselves. And Jared just,  _ could not _ be responsible for someone else's death. He'd- he'd find a way to kill himself  _ again  _ if that happened. 

  And slowly, hesitantly, he stood up, took one last glance at the river, and the forest, and started the journey back to his house. And as he went, he began to breathe a little easier, smoke filtering out of his lungs and vanishing into the night.

  But the smoke never really left, it just lay dormant. It clouded in the back of Jared’s mind, and slipped out whenever he opened his mouth, lashing out, as if angry for being caged.

* * *

 

  But maybe if he looked hard enough, he could see where the light caught the edge of others’ smoke. How it swarmed Evan, too close, how he must be choking on it all the time. How it hung heavy around Connor, who was almost completely obscured by it, and how it was always tightly wrapped around his throat. How it chased after Alana as she went from one activity to the next, and how sometimes it managed to catch her, filling her lungs in the gaps between her achievements. And how it floated in the air around Zoe, taking any opportunity it found to creep closer, daring her to take a breath, just one.

  
  But he couldn't, and he didn't. 

**Author's Note:**

> Hey like. All of my work for this has been done at 1am but I still enjoyed writing it? I haven't really written anything for myself in a while so it was fun. I might've talked about college a little too much, but hey, what can you do. (Also it's not mentioned but jared is trans and you can rip that from my cold, dead hands.)


End file.
